My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
My last google search was 'bulk asian wives' I don't know either
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
I pull out like 90% of the time, but that's just to make art.
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
My dad just bought me a 40. I consider this our peace treaty.
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
omg his dad is hot
... I'm currently away at the moment. Leave a msg since I cannot express how much I can't help you stop ruining peoples lives.
Oh my lord it is too early in the morning to be that horny freak
my vagina doesn't wear a watch
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
Randomize
