I dont need to watch it. And stop comparing your life to Entourage.
at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
they're making a venn diagram comparing gummi bears against gummi worms...is this what i have to sit thru to get free weed????
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again.
Pretty sure even her dog was surprised when I got that blow job.
We ate our feelings. Then drank our feelings. I feel feminism delivered.
Braid them armpits, sister.
I just sang country roads at the top of my lungs with my cab driver. Tonight was a success.
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
Well sure, my hetero side is thrilled, but my gay side is soooo judging
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
We were getting breakfast he shit himself in the middle of ihop. Mid bite he just yells out o fuck.
Randomize
