Your brother just successfully got half the bar mostly naked
I don't even remember his name...i'm just gonna save it as birthday sex
dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
We almost died tonight..we almost die every night. but tonight was the closest by far
when you wake up in a apartment hallway wearing someone else's shoes, you can pretty much assume last night was a success.
I knew no one else would have gone along with it since it's morally wrong and probably illegal. You said, "Yes. And let's add fireworks."
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
We were having sex and my nose just started pouring blood. He reached down to the floor, grabbed a sock and held it to my nose. He just kept pounding away like nothing was happening.
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
I'm pretty sure our sex is better than most foods and that says a lot too bc I really like food
he's the only real guy friend I've had who I've never made out with
dad is drunk and texting us pictures of bread
I thought he was a lobster and that the moon was going to pull me through him.
I don't think I should try acid.
I'm like the kinda excited when David After Dentist stands up in his seat, screams, and collapses
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