I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
He yelled out my full name in bed...I felt like I was being scolded.
They can't keep moving my court date back, i dont know if I'll survive another one of these going away to jail parties.
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
His thanks his mom for not having an abortion at his wedding toast. I love frat weddings.
Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
Hey my results were negative. Your chlamydia train stops here. Happy hunting!
You have no idea how pumped I am. I literally plan on dying. You're in my will
You turn 21 at midnight!
This is better than being born!!
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
Should I be flattered that she mumbled "You're the king of my face" before passing out?
The sad moment you remember you have no power for a week and can't flush.....
Wrong number bro but that sounds like a damn shame.
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
Who else has a jello penis in their fridge?!
Randomize
