Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
jusi got death stares at taco bell because I asked if Denise was working.
so just saw tiger woods pull a page out of his wifes book and hit some kid in the head with a golf club
The Fresno prostitute seemed offended all I wanted from her was directions back to the freeway.
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
Sorry my hands just texted you
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
All I see when I think of you are dancing penis angels around your head.
My mom just walked in and saw a picture of his penis. She then asked me "Do you even have a cervix left?!" I don't know what to feel anymore HA
Yeah well that's a good thing right? Like mothers approval? Kinda like a Fathers blessing but. . . better?
It's shark week go big or go home
Why is it I can't go buy redbull and tylenol pm from a store without getting questions about my health choices?
I just said "you do you" to my penis.
If work found out I was using THEIR paper to write Karate Kid fanfic I'd never hear the end of it.
Randomize