what if I'm pregnant?
smusmorshion
Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
The only thing better than Call of Duty is getting jerked off while playing Call of Duty.
i'm sitting in the second floor bathroom drinking coronas in the shower. do not find me.
His roommate just snorted a line of Smirnoff off the desk. I could really fit in here.
Ignoring the crisis im in. Sitting in the front yard in a kiddie pool. Wearing arm floaties, fins and a snorkel. Waiting for a hot guy to walk by.
Believe it or not I'm actually not the only person sitting in the back of the train covered in glitter and drinking whiskey out of an arizona iced tea can. Small world.
Now that makes it sound like you had sex with a guy in batman costume and you never took the mask off so you can't 100 percent be sure.
I lost my flask somewhere between dancing shirtless to The Spice Girls and walking around Wawa opening/eating things and putting them back.
Ever wonder what all the drugs you've ever done would look like put together?
Heaven. . It would look like heaven
Getting robbed by hookers is def a right of passage in a mans life
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
Hey, what's the French word for when you meet your boyfriend's friend and you have that gut feeling that you smoked pot naked in a hot tub with him at a house party years ago?
Obviously you're feeling a little sexually frustrated.
I consider humping a stranger every ten minutes when I walk in the street.
QUICK FAX ME THE BALL
Not how faxing works at all btw
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