I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
is it bad that the cashier at chick-fil-a shouted "see you tomorrow!" as i drove away?
Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
why is allison so mad at me??
me and her walked into dans and you yelled "hello my dear alli, you're looking mighty overweight today!".
crap..
I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
Nah, I'm just going to keep fucking him until he realizes we're perfect for each other.
I didn't think it was possible, but that girl next door is even louder when drunk.
I just sniffled when I woke up and got a bump of coke. I have never felt so good hung over.
As the guy I'm having sex with on the side I shouldn't ask you how to dump my boyfriend. But you are the most emotionally detached person I know.
Thank you for not boning my boss.
I told him he deserved someone better...then I told him he looked very fuck-able wearing nothing but sweat pants. We'll break up in the morning.
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
I call it a party but only because that sounds better than 8 people getting drunk around a pool.
I don't know what his name was or what he looked like, but I remember him rocking me to sleep with his cock
I have got to stop telling people I was almost a prositute every time I drink
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