It's a miracle Ok Typing texts toYou right now
I looooooove Saturdays!!!!!!!
I am absolutely hammered
We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
dude can i febreze my hair or is that slutty?
shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
fuck your aforementioned shoe
We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
reason #14 for loving my boobs...just got out of a 40mph over the limit speeding ticket thru a work zone. i dont think the cop knew i even had a face
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
Okay hun. Well my neighbors haven't called the cops yet so I think we're good. No more burning in the yard.
i woke up to you and that girl going out onto the balcony naked
oh sorry man.. we went outside because we DIDN'T want to wake you
She tried to sing jingle balls while blowing me
PS I almost downloaded grindr to see if any guys wanted to buy me chinese food..
Does this mean I have to put a bra on now
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
Randomize
