I seriously think I have a tan line on my stomach from getting a boner while in the taning bed.
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.
And to think..we used to do everything sober...
We're having a serious conversation and I just responded to something he said with an emoticon. I am so baked.
I don't know... But I do think this is probably the longest series of texts we've written discussing your cock. David was right, it is a brave new world. Also, slow day at work again?
That's the first time I've ever heard something that tickled both my gag reflex and my penis simultaneously.
So stoned i forgot i was in bed
On the plus side, I got cel phone video of a major fox news host doing coke.
I've now spilled wine and got poptarts all over my cast. So much for my doc taking me seriously...
Does puke ruin car paint? Good thing it's raining.
OH MY GOD REMEMBER ALL THAT I LOVE NEW YORK I DVRED BECAUSE I JUST DID
Is a coke binge Whole30 approved?
I thought he was a lobster and that the moon was going to pull me through him.
I don't think I should try acid.
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
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