Why do my orgasm prompt her to begin using babytalk EVERYTIME?!
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
I was high enough to think that mac-n-cheese w/ ketchup, tortilla chips w/ ketchup, and milk was a fancy dinner
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
Just induced vomiting to put out a carpet fire.
Everyone is cheering
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
You know, I've never slept in a rug with anyone before you
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
YOU IS KIND. YOU IS SMART. YOU IS IMPORTANT. YOU IS CLEANING YOUR OWN VOMIT.
Do you wanna do something, or just stare at each other and fantasize about death like we usually do
Nothing says happy Monday quite like coffee and oral sex.
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
Randomize
