You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
The little things make me happy. Little dicks do not.
there are 10 yearolds here who keep calling me on the elbow rule!
Wait are they playing beer pong to?
nothing says 'im willing to leave my comfort zone for you' like letting you choke me during sex
we did shots in class this morning as part of a presentation. WHY AM I LEAVING THIS COUNTRY?!
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
Do you still speak french? one of two girls I woke up with only speaks french...
I think I just gave my niece a weed pinata...
yeah that bottle of rum is only the second thing I want that kid to be pulling out of his pants
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
I just don't know how to say "I want to have sex you with before you graduate" in a classy way
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
Wanna guess where my charger was last night.....in my cooler with my beer. I put it in there because I knew I would never forget my beer.
Randomize
