my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
i think i am going to devote my summer to making my cats internet celebrities
After you vomited on the patrol car, you thanked the officer for helping you up off the ground. I don't think you realized you were being arrested.
I blacked out after running into my soc TA in the beer garden. came to dancing on the speakers at major lazer and making out with said TA.
High enough to ask the woman at best buy if she ever feels like she's swimming. and telling the man outside that he smells like happy juice.
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
Im gonna wear a random assortment of things for Halloween, guy with the most creative answer gets laid
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
Never thought having a box of Cheerios could get me laid. My new lucky charm hello girl in 2B
I'm too old for chlamydia. That's for 20 year olds who go to clubs and do drugs I've never heard of.
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
And then you two got up and shouted in near perfect unison "I'M ALWAYS A SLUT FOR BASKIN ROBBINS" The bar just looked at us horrified.
You do realize he's just an extension of his penis, right?
If you dont get laid dressed as Woody Harrelson in Zombieland, I have lost all faith in the men of nw Indiana.
Randomize
