You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
You told him how lucky he was to be an elephant and kept trying to grab his "trunk"
We gave a starfish gin and Lucky Charms. I think it enjoyed it. Best trip to the beach ever.
just 'accidentally' changed my relationship status to 'in an open relationship' just to see what offers I might get if I were to dump him. it's not looking good
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
Hey if there is a better reason to go drink then "I've been fucking robbed!" I have yet to hear one. Also, I've been fucking robbed.
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
And here I thought that was one nut sack too many
I think putting on real pants was half my issue with today
the girls would appreciate it if you invited over some drunk, single, straight men with low standards.
Okay so my roommate deals some drugs so whenever he leaves we can hook up, be ready
I didn't know I was the on call booty call damn
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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