In hindsight maybe we should have moved his homework instead of playing quarters on top of it.
They upped the price of Plan B! Rite-aid is going to be the reason I have illegitimate kids.
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
my co-worker, his best friend who also works with us, an my baby daddy, ive turned love triangle into a retarded shape with to many sides to pronounce
Oh just living the dream. And by living the dream I mean drinking franzia out of a martini glass and watching family matters. Also, drinking every time Carl Winslow has a mustache and Eddie wears MC Hammer pants
I'm doing blow on my fuzzy rug
Come join me
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
Broeke and glass. I feel so and. Appilogixe in morbing.
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
Mostly what I remember is someone saying "raise your hand if you're too turnt" then raising my hand and falling
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
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