Dude, we somehow need to leave discretely with the toilet brush.
Shit. Come in my room. Bring a trashcan and an icepack
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
Instead of getting a taxi some gay black guy drove us home. He is trying to break into the taxi business
Way to promote small business.
I think I need a restraining order. I had 15 "selfies" of him on my camera roll......my phone has a lock code on it.
He just kept mumbling that he was too drunk for society and then he peed in a bush
Ims textiofg thsi woht my noes bcuz my hansd aer stli handcuffde to teh bedfrme. Help me
I feel a little uneasy about having my grandma sleep in my bed that I've banged chicks in not too long ago... Fuckin blizzards
He asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I told him an orgasm would be nice.
I have to hand it to her. In my heyday I took home the 'biggest shitshow of the night' award 9 times out of 10. But I passed the torch on to her last night, and she went skipping merrily far and away with it into the enchanted world of aggressive alcoholism. Is this 30?
Of course that's what I'm wearing. I need to find a beard to mount and ride STAT.
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
My favorite bra is missing and I smell like beer and bad decisions. This is definitely a sign that hoe mode is activated.
When he busted out the ketchup I got the hell out of there. It got really creepy really fast.
Randomize
