Her boobs looked like leather oven mitts. No more cougar hunting for awhile.
I feel like I should lick our pitcher just so everyone knows its ours
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
You are not about to raise that baby deer, you can BARELY raise yourself... Return it to it's mom now.
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
javelin tossed one of my crutches in to the mosh pit at the concert, hit some dude in the temple hahah fuck him he sucks
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
I'm currently on a bowling date with my girlfriend and her boyfriend. It's pretty fun.
It was the easiest thing I've ever done. 3am she walked into my room, saw my Buffalo Bills blanket, said go bills and got naked.
Man I sound like a slutty Mormon
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
If ur gunna go fuck a guy that's in the baseball hall of fame do you need to shave your legs? I'm so lazy
The economy cant be that bad, I willingly got fired to bang her again.
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
Randomize
