you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
i swear, as soon as they invent a cure for herpes, he's mine.
I just saw my first passed out person, sprawled out on the sidewalk like they died. I wanted to take a pic but I thought that screamed "tourist"
WHAT IF you could get pizza delivered to you IN YOUR CAR while driving somewhere. Like moving roadside service.
You're High aren't you?
Sooooo high
Every single item that was in my fridge is now in my hot tub. Please help
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
My gut feeling that we had reached a new level of intimacy last night was confirmed early this morning when you sleep farted on penis.
I just got a job offer for Australia. Unfortunately I have given the name of Whitney
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
Well the hawks lost... so, of course, the only logical course of action was a bonfire in the middle of the street.
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
You need to get a passport so we can carry our bad decisions over the border
Randomize
