Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
Been drinkin since 3, wearing a tutu, how could things go wrong
I thought it was kinda weird that her ten yearold sister was playing bartender, but hey, the girl makes a damn good drink
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
I don't think he wanted to hear that my most serious relationship was my 1 1/2 year fuck buddy... I think he figured out that's where he's heading
The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
I am omw to AA Fellowship by the sea w Jenny and a stripper who just paid for our jetski with 85 $1 bills
Idk. I'm naked in front of the computer eating ribs. All is right with the world.
That's so nerdy and hot at the same time.
I refuse to have sex with you and your eBay condoms.
All of her cloths were on our coffee table this morning. The only things she left with last night were her shoes and Scott
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
SUNS OUT COOCHY OUT
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
Dude, I can't even reach my asshole to wipe it. I have a lot more to be thankful for this Thanksgiving.
I can't help you there
Seriously. Are we going out tonight? If we're not, I'm going to put on sweatpants and do drugs.
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