Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
Things to remember: Girls don't appreciate it when you yell "Beast Mode!" when switching to doggy style.
I want to apologize in advance in the event I put my boobs in your face
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
did i really sing to your nipples last night?
yes. and it was oddly very seductive
But here's the wonderful thing about us. It's us. You could invite me over, get really wasted and end up sleeping with someone else and id be there in the morning to take you to breakfast.
I didn't know where we were going to start fucking, so I just strategically hid condoms all over the house before he came over.
I think the moment I knew you were going to black out was when I told you how many shots you had already and you were shocked and then poured another one
My goal this weekend is to get a number that goes with the penis I take him.
Aspirations
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
I was in a bad mood so I guilted her into giving me $100 on a weekly basis and now I feel bad but I don't know how to tell her I hustled her
Let's take a shot for every time we've said "I don't want to get that drunk tonight"
He just ate a tooth whitening strip...
Legit sprained my cooter. No joke. Icing her down as we speak.
Randomize
