yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
Karaoke makes my soul die one wretched song at a time
her orgasm sounded like a fucking walrus crying.
this bucketlist has just become an excuse for me to be slutty, and i'm not even ashamed
She used to be a real nice person. Now she's just a dick sucking machine
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
Smoked Hookah in the playhouse last night. Childhood was so fun.
theres too many punctuation errors in that text to turn me on.
I'm jealous that you can use my boobs as pillows & I can't.
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
Nothing says "class act" like eating acid in the middle of a Buffalo Wild Wings
The only reason you haven't shit yourself yet is because you don't like having fun.
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
I didn't have any choice but to cuddle you. Your hair was stuck on my nipple piercing.
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
Randomize