"Party in the USA" was played at church youth group last night. It was like everything I enjoy hating was aligning against me.
Nothing good has ever or will ever come from 50 cent beers at the bowling alley..
hey you knew what you were in for when i showed up with 2 fifths of Jim. plus i left money to pay for a new sink
We're not even buying beer. Just vodka. In pre-retrospect this was a bad idea but we're doing it anyway
Lots of rum and cokes. Bartender wore my underwear on his head. Lost my keys. Accidentily started a fight. DC is going to kill me
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
She said just put your tongue in there and don't linger. I have other things to do.
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
Signs you do Molly too much. Glow sticks fallout of random articles of clothing on academic row
I never realized the effects a broken spine would have on my sex life
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
We have sober sex! It's a real relationship.
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
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