You litterally reached into some girls shirt, pulled out her tit and yelled whats up with this guy.
I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
you asked "if this appropriate to take the the bathroom?" while holding up a bottle of vodka when you went to pee.
I bruised my spine.. Jungle gyms were clearly not meant for sex.
Get in the lobby, you have to sign my boxers
Yea it's a sex scar. But if anyone asks I tripped up carpeted stairs
Two words that describe last night: naked and backflips.
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
Getting robbed by hookers is def a right of passage in a mans life
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas
We are the best cocktail. We look appealing, taste amazing, and ruin lives.
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
Get your dick back in here. On Saturdays, you're not allowed to leave my bed unless it's to make me bacon or coffee.
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