I know, he also has a fancy car to make up for his tiny penis
We better get laid next semester cause I prayed hard
I even walked 30 feet with my eyes closed from two love rocks so that we get some cock
So there is a chick dressed up in a vagina costume handing out free condoms next to the dude handing out free Bibles and preaching about sin. I love college.
Were making a bet for which twin will relapse while in rehab. I'm going for the chubbier one
I'm never telling my kids not to take ecstasy, never. Idk what my mom was thinking.
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
Come find me, I'm the girl sitting alone in taco bell at 9 in the morning drinking concealed beer with a straw
Doing Jager Bombs on a Sunday morning is justified...How else is my team going to win?
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
let’s face it, me joining a co-ed soccer league is like, 33% motivated by my crotch seeking a healthy outlet
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
I woke up with glitter and eggshells in my bed wtf
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
Randomize
