im probably the most hungover person watchin icarly right now
Am i fat?
Well i wouldnt let you on top
I banged her roommate when she was gone. She came back with a chicken sandwich and a bj. Then she said " smells like my roommates vagina" I think I can get a threesome tonight
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
Yeah someone just put a trash bag that says "use protection" on the snow penis
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
He just kept screaming "I have democratic immunity" as the cops dragged him into the car.
Our suitemates are shrooming again. I left a less colorful dress hanging on the door, change before you come in because purple is making Maeve cry.
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
The bartender had to walk me home last night. New high or new low?
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
"She's seriously grinding on him while whispering into his ear, 'take me to McDonald's.'"
Caprisun cuts tequila surprisingly well...
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
Randomize
