so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
My therapist says she wants to work on my 'trust issues'. I think she's found the cash cow within.
you made your cat watch a peta video with you, so you could show it how just how good its life is
But you wanna know what the sadest part is? I had to smoke on the way back home cause my mom would be suspicious if I wasn't high after I was supposedly hanging out with you.
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
He's a little cute, in a dorky, I-know-for-a-fact-his-cock-is-huge kind of way
I have a new game. It's called "how weird can you act before a guy won't fuck you". I've deducted most guys are willing even if you're batshit insane.
Accidentally hit on the same girl twice at the bar, she give me her number both times though so I think its cool.
IT WAS SO BIG. I FORGOT GOD MADE THEM LIKE THIS.
Please tell me that is you having sex in my car in my driveway and not a complete stranger.
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
And he came by and picked me up. We cuddled in his car then had sex until... an officer doing his rounds put a spotlight on crazy haired, naked me straddling him.
Like he was inside me when I made eye contact with a police man.
When you put the phrases "just out of shower" and "did you get the picture" that close together, a picture of hamburger helper is not exactly what I expected to pop up.
Tis the season to play Pocahontas! (AKA: Eat a bunch of acid and run around the yard barefoot, the first person to see the colors of the wind, wins!)
Randomize
