I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
I promise you I could read that dogs mind, he was arguing with the other dog saying he knows how fucked up I am
my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
I think it's our patriotic duty to get high and watch the state of the union tonight
i can recognize that vagina from a mile away
Ya, because touching his brother's face for 20 minutes in front of him wasn't bad enough, I also threw up in his garden and stole like 10 of his shirts before I left. But I fed his dog, so it's okay.
Everyone is sleeping and i'm sittin here in my iron man mask, watchin chelsea lately and tryin to figure out how to smoke through it.
Its what happens when I drink whiskey in a sweater. It makes me feel mature and ponderful.
Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.
So Monday we're lesbians.
Deal. This decision is final and any rebates on this will result in losing an eyeball.
Don't feel sorry for me. I'm getting Red Lobster and sex tonight. Nothing can bring me too far down.
He lit a candle for the mood and ended up lighting my hair on fire while we were hooking up...moodkiller
Well I just masturbated while reading a recipe for Alfredo sauce so I guess you could say I’m growing up
OMG also, I'm sorry I tased you a lil
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