An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
Man, I wish they all looked like that. Your vagina deserves to have a nice frame around it, and God's signature at the bottom.
That birthday blow job you ordered came in the mail today. I suggest you hurry home.
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
I woke up at 4 am. Literally pissed. No idea what happened. I could have fucked a cow.
Sorry about coming to the pool in only a thong. I thought you said it was closed. Not that you were teaching a group of kids how to swim.
I mean I'm screaming I love the gays in the middle of Bart so yeah
My very favorite thing in the whole world is when guys try to booty call her as I'm fucking her. Sucks to suck.
That's one good thing about being an only child. I can masturbate wherever the fuck I want
The highlight was when a stranger was nose to nose with you threatening to kick ur ass, and you said "Is that your real face? Stopped him dead.
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
Im covered in coffee vomit and urine and none of which are mine
Randomize
