Drunken candy land NOW. Dont fight the urge... you want to.
we lost you for like an hour and then found you at some dive bar trying to teach dance lessons
Pray the makeout fairy visits me this weekend.
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
Odd question. Did you find a 20 in your boxers? I need it for gas.
You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,
I wanted to be a dolphin.
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
He was on my bed looking at me like a sacrifice to the gods of gay sex and he's definitely a bottom. Like Jesus Christ a really, really great ass of a bottom.
So they found him after the wedding still dressed up in his feather boa and top hat passed out in a bush...
There's a girl in class eating a pumpkin pie. Like a whole pie straight from the pan with a fork.
I'm pretty happy on the couch eating Popeyes and watching Cops so if I go over there you better have drugs left
Personally, I'm gonna be Sexy Dobby the House Elf.
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
i don't know when underwear became an acceptable clothing choice for parties, but god help me i hope this isn't a passing trend.
Randomize
