We had to use the stains on Phil's shirt to try to piece together what happened last night.
Just found out you can rent the rollerena for 100 bucks and you can bring your own beer... when are you free this week?
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
Ohhh. Its been awhile. Vending machine hotel condoms are $15 here who can afford to not get herpes?
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
I took a few sips of my hugeee bottle of liquid Vicodin and smoked my one hitter and now I'm going thru my attic like Indiana Jones
I was just at home taking Vicodin for a week straight. Talk about a vacation.
Duuuuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fruuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fuuuck
We accept all of your sexual lovers, Jewish, episcopalian, atheist. Dick is dick
The stripper told Tom to sort his life out
I can't go to the bars anymore. She wanted to see me again and I drunkenly told her I was moving today. If she spots me I'm fucked.
Dont be alarmed when you come homeand see a guy handcuffed to your bed. His name is james. Ill uncuff him when I get home
He was a foot taller than me and my hands were bigger than his, it's called Pity head
She blew me while I watched the jets game and the hardest thing was deciding what to focus on more
Randomize
