but, i was nude. you really should respect my stupidity and delete them. please.
I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
why the fuck would he compare you to sexy aquatic creatures?
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
I got really upset at the McDonald's worker. They should serve nuggets 24/7. Apparently 5am is breakfast for some people.
I'm pretty sure the guy in front of me at Walmart doesn't have good plans. It's one am he is buying a flash light and black bandanna
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
Your favorite boobs are sending you seasons greetings
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
She drank my rum. I had sex in her bed and didn't wash the sheets. We're even.
Is it wrong for me to wish my cat had arms to get me a beer?
Randomize
