Ryan Reynolds porn could be a WMD. Have a giant TV on the front of your tank, and just drive around playing it. Everyone dies of orgasm overload.
That's it. Iraq is done. Everyone dies, game over man.
Yeah, but I'm out of licorice and there's no way anywhere near here will rent us all mopeds on a Tuesday night.
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
your dad made us margaritas and breakfast on the morning. I think it's safe to say he relives his glory days through us
did you know that if you have sex in the elevator on the way up that people can still get in?
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
I totally just stopped for a booty call on the way to my parents for easter....good friday is an understatement
And dildos are 35% off. So. Ya know. Savings.
If a girl called me a promiscuous philandering Casanova, should I say thank you?
Most definitely.
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
Nothing quite like spending your evening singing Shania Twain I Feel Like a Woman barbershop quartet Style with some homeless guys outside of Keyport liquor. love Shania Twain. How's your Sunday?
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