people will do anything to get on MTV. like get pregnant.
Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
I just found out my favorite drunk show, Repo Men, is just reenactments. I can't express through words my disappointment.
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
was it you or me who tried to make the, what appears to be, nacho cake in the oven?
When I sent you a text telling you to splash water on your face, you texted me back with 'Iwehre N qyull.'
You can't say "they have anal bleaching for that" and then just hang up
In this town being related to a brewing family or the owner of a sports team is like being royalty. It's like hooking up with the queen's nephew or something.
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
I feel like we have a good system here turning our sketchy decisions into great stories.
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
there's people who respect me enough not to bang on my bed and i think that's beautiful
If the world ends and i have no vodka please just kill me.
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