I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
we found you in the closet, clutching coats that werent yours for stability
plus shes a stripper, ive been with strippers, if you fuck this up your penis will never forgive you
4 am. She strained the mac and cheese onto her legs. She has no skin.
He was like an artic tracker. Walked ten paces from the tree, then 15 paces from the mailbox, dug down in the snow, and pulled up the case of beer he hid from his parents out there. It tasted like ice cold success.
Lots of alcohol last night skiing this morning = me throwing up off chairlift
I just found a video of you asking to be a whale with me.
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
Omg he has a washer and dryer IN his apartment and lots of back up toilet paper. I went home with an adult. My uterus is pumping out eggs beyond my control.
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
i woke up to a text from someone I put in my phone last night as "Giant Penis"
what did G.P. say?
oddly enough it was a dick pic
I wouldn't have found her if it wasn't for the vomit trail leading into my brother's room.
Randomize
