the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
We were having sex on the balcony and this guy walked by, so drunkily i said "dont move, he cant see us if we dont move."
Breakfast=the leftover margarita in my car. Have a great day.
Dreamed I made out with a stranger after falling out of a car, let's make this happen tonight.
He played the same pre-sex songs as his brother...
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
I'm reliable. I always make it home. I always throw up in the street too.
Haha he puts me in a mood mix of annoyed and... "just get in my pants"
cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
If you can't seal the deal with her, I will. And you know I'll be successful. So there's your incentive
Sitting in my kitchen at 3am, craving dick and eating peanut butter instead. I'm not sure how I feel about being 27.
I took my makeup off with mouthwash. Seemed like a good idea. It worked.
Man the amount of drugs being done at a wedding with a bunch of surgeons was disturbing
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
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