I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that"
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
I swear I could audibly hear her vagina slam shut when you walked up to hit on her.
Shotgunned a beer while taking a bath.
in the middle of giving him head in the backseat of my car he taps me on the shoulder, opens the door, throws up three times and then proceeds to tell me how amazing i am.
I might have to break the "you stay out of my sister and ill stay out of yours" pact that i have with tim
I found him with a guitar and his kitten in his room. He was singing a song he'd titled "you're a cat". Guess what most of the lyrics were...
He pulled a condom out of his satchel and i questioned my entire life.
All is fair in love and war and toga parties
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
Okay, first we buy a pirate outfit and then we get drunk, you in or you out?
He corrected my spelling during sexting.
Our orgasm ration was 1:45. No. Fucking. Joke. I thought I was going to die.
Randomize
