So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
he just wrote my ten page research paper for tit pics. i love my boobs.
Legit I think I might have gotten hepatitis C from licking the window of that last cab.
If I should ask "why am I still single?" could someone please remind me of shooting mike and ikes out of my nose at the bartender last Saturday. many thanks
And I'd make him talk dirty to me. In Forrest Gump's voice.
Is this a drinking picnic?
Is there another kind?
Proudest moment of my life. Just watched a guy walk into the side of a car because I winked at him. Love these yoga pants and my hair. Fuck yes. His mouth was hanging open.
Nothing like coaching 5 year olds with a bunch of visible bruises from last night's drunk bondage sex.
I need a priest, doctor, and therapist after this weekend.
You came walking in the backyard at 10am, in cowboy boots, a new shirt, and had no money,....we lost you for 15 hours....i think you just need a camera crew, or an assistant. IMPRESSED!
She gave me a roadie as we drove home from fireworks. People were still lighting off their displays as we drove by. I love America.
fuck emotions I should've gotten more cats
dude, i told you to rally, so you sprinted upstairs, knocked some girl down, and without missing a beat said, "not now bitch, im in the fucking zone" and took off
You took the receipt and ate it. You then took it out and gave it to the waitress with slobber and holes all over it.
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
Randomize
