i cant believe u jumped in someones trunk just to get out of talking to me
he thought i was a dude.
He just spent five minutes trying to sling shot a cheese-it off his dick and into my mouth.
have you ever been in a public bathroom and someone walked in, and you played "Fat or Crying" based on her breathing?
This might sound awkward, but can I borrow a dildo for class?
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
I cant believe im wasting my plan b experience on this guy. I should have saved it for someone special.
The paramedics came back to shotgun beers with us.
It's been over a year since we've been get-so-drunk-you-throw-beer-cans-at-fat-girls-drunk together. That needs to change.
So hungover. I'm getting too old for trolloping around in disco shorts going shot for shot with well behaved underclassmen in an effort to lure them to the dark side of alcoholism and liver failure.
still not dressed at 5:00, jacking off watching men's figure skating and hoping my weird roommate doesn't walk in. anybody who says idk how to have fun is wrong
Have fun in Vegas! Be safe, use condoms, and take a pic of Jon beforehand to give out when he goes missing. It will help the police.
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
I may just have to resign myself to life in flats. He's a sexy little chipmunk that worships me.
I got kicked out of the E.R. for saying "balls".
Randomize
