I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
Dude if you're in another zip code it doesn't count
You don't understand. I'm not like you.
All I seem to do lately is get myself off, take naked pictures and drink beer. I don't know if thats a good or bad thing.
Fun fact of the day the average american will consume 13248 beers in their lifetime.
So for us it's double that?
Precisely.
After 12 shots he decided to show us knife tricks. You can figure out how it ended
You just kept yelling at the cabby "I own this cab" and insisted on smoking with all the windows up
All I remember is having a LONG talk with a 23 year old mother with a 5 year old kid at a bar who told me "it's not that bad"
There is a literally infinite number of spliffs going around this table.
Delicious
I feel like I'm at a sushi bar with a spliff belt.
I Can't even believe I threw all my pizza rolls at her, I mean not only did i ruin a good meal but now I dont have anymore
While you wait, fill out your state patrol application. Not trying to be your mom, I just really want to fuck a cop.
You aren't truly friends with someone until you play drinking games via text at 8:30 in the morning.
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
How much weed should I buy my mom for her birthday?
Passed out in someones front yard last night. Got woke u?p by a lady walking her dog at 6am. Rock bottom.
Randomize
