Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
He came on my face and tried to draw out a smiley face because he said I looked like I had a bad day
Her problem is just that he inner beauty is just as ugly as her physical beauty
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
at what point did you see referring to the bartender as 'the white precious' a good idea??
Apparently it is frowned upon to ask the bouncer to stop pointing his flashlight in your face and step back so you can puke....and then do it
There are cops on horseback in our back yard
to improve your porn experience, just imagine a slow speaking older English man narrating it all like a Nature documentary
they adjusted my tv to black and white ... i thought i drank myself to colorblindness
You gave my cousin a blowjob and are facebook friends with my mom. Is there a name for this level of friendship?
I already tell everyone in my office my bf is at the Naval academy. It slipped one time and I can't go back on it now
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
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