we need to find that guy that whips out his cock at the bar again
Woke up this morning on my couch at 6am fully dressed including heels, holding half a corn dog. I called you last night when I was buying the corn dog from a street vendor, I think.
I am in love with you.
FYI, when you wake up, please note that I puked in your shoes because I sstubbed my tooee, not becus I was drunk.
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
What shitty, shitty thing could you possibly tell me that doesnt top the fact that i got hammered and showed everyone i could shit while running
I'm going through a really dark time right now
I don't want to hear it man. I just jerked it to a pic of my ex wife in a bikini. Buck up
He balanced a treat on his nose, and then he rolled me a joint. My bf is the best pet ever.
I couldn't stop laughing at the fact he was cutting lines with a sears card. What 24 year old has a sears card?
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
dude his girlfriend left the meanest shit just marinating in our toilet. I'm gonna have to snap chat this out, theres no other option. prepare yourself
Cheese, the small of a woman's back, the universe, mountains, vampiric demons, sleep, and dreams.
Would you paint my ceiling for oral sex?
Just a little. Like do I say "hey I'm the girl that's fucking your son, nice to meet you"
Yeah. I got a Tetnus shot then partied like it was 1999.
Randomize
