hide the guitars, Nate just learned to play free fallin'
Something clean will definitely be barfed on tomorrow.
dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
we need to start a braincell conservation fund for you, sort of like save the whales or something.
Why didn't I see you last night!?
We made out like 4 times....I think I saw you.
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
we can fight about whose fault it is later....naked.
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
Apparently 24 hr fitness frowns upon the ingestion of psychedelics on its premises, don't see that in the sign up contract.
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
I just watched will sing pure imagination from willy wonka and then blow a banana
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