If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
I love drunk self when he leaves a prepacked bong for the morning... in the bathroom.
I HAVE A PIGEON IN MY JACKET.
We were on the balcony tossing jello shots to people passing below
When people said no i'd yell "i tried them i promise they aren't roofied!"
She wants to practice her harmonica skills on my penis
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
This stupid maranara sauce stain sucks. It keeps distracting me and it looks like I'm staring at my tits.
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
Other than the whole stab wound in my leg thing, today was pretty good. The nurses all loved me and gave me a sandwich and juice.
Randomize
