I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
Funny thing- my attraction to each one is inversely proportional to his level of availability.
at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
Sam Adams makes it so easy to keep track of the seasons.
Just saw the pics you left in my phone. thanks for reminding me that last night was not a dream.
a lot of self evaluation comes after you have to clean up a trashcan of your own vomit and condoms
Spent the entire ride home from downtown trying to convince designated dawgs to drop us off at waffle house instead of our apartment. i told them it was my house...they didn't buy it.
I was about to smoke a bunch of weed and lay naked while I cried all day
No. I want him to marry me so we can spend our lives together. I also want a to-scale model of his genitals to mount above my fireplace
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
I'm sorry but you're choosing a girl that faked a pregnancy when you wouldn't return her calls over a more attractive sane girl who you begged for a chance with last week? God you're a loser.
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
Dude you were sitting in front of me eating uncooked bow tie pasta...
whatcha doing?
lying in bed pretending to be a slug
It's official. I have spent more money on weed than on textbooks this semester.
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