When I was her age, Pluto was still a planet... but i said what the hell
I just had to explain to my father, how having two screens plugged into my computer doesn't use more internet.
im shaking like a drug addict and i almost just shat my pants when i sneezed...no more patron for me
i kept drunkenly begging people i met to be in my facebook mafia
you refused to come out of the bathroom until i asked you in spanish
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
I puked in the pool and didn't tell them, then they all went swimming. Is it dick to just sit back and enjoy the show?
Her parties are sponsored by Valtrex. This might not be your best idea.
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
did i really sing to your nipples last night?
yes. and it was oddly very seductive
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
Bro I needs to be rescued in 30 mins...prfeebly someone died in a car accident needs to be the excuse
i'm 99% sure they had an orgy while i was passed out
Fuck off. Since when do you love him??
Since he licked my arm to retrieve the macaroni and cheese he dropped. You have to appreciate that
Can't even lie. Mad respect
I swear he is my soulmate. He kept feeding me goldfish while we were fucking. Who wouldn't enjoy that while having sex.
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