You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
I just texted him to come over because I want to see if his hand fits the handprint bruise on my ass.....I feel like the cinderella of S&M
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
Acid flashbacks - fact or fiction? Have been seeing a surprising amount of sparkly shit this afternoon...
I'm not sure how appropriate a drug deal is while at a wake.
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
I want a burrito.
Truly, you are the voice of a generation.
you put your hands over the taxi driver's eyes and shouted GUESS THE WAY TO THE CLUB
YOU ARE SO GOD DAMN LOUD AND YOU'RE SHAKING THE GOD DAMN HOUSE. FUCKING STOP.
i swear to god it was like we were fucking in 9 dimensions
You informed me your place was now a nudist colony and unless I was there to drink schnapps with the cat I had to strip.
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
This girl was in the river screaming that someone didn't love her anymore...that's when the guy in a kilt claimed her...
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
He's teaching me French for free and I'm giving him blowjobs. Win-win.
Randomize