After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
i felt like the dude nobody likes from the mikes hard lemonade commercial
She brought up feelings... her days are numbered
Legit screaming match in this bar over the differences between cupcakes and muffins.
Now go wash the fat girl off your hands.
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
She told me to stuff her like a turkey. She actually yelled happy thanksgiving.
bro your seconds weren't very sloppy last night, is everything ok?
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
you made cordon bleu at 4am and declared you were Marshall Stewart
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
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