I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
i feel like after you turn 30 you aren't supposed to black out anymore
So does your leg always twitch violently when someone plays with your clitoris? Or has my ten years of piano playing finally paid off?
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
We are taking shots off of spoons and listening to Mary Poppins.
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
So what do normal people wear to parties? Normal meaning not you.
You wear an inflatable farm animal to TWO THEMED PARTIES and I never get to hear the end of it...
I've decided I'm going to drink again. More. Day drinking. Night drinking. Everything. It's the responsible thing to do since I'm not pregnant
He showed up at my door at 3 AM wearing a Santa hat with a tiara attached.
Dude, you're only mentioning the Bro Code so I can't get any
my hair smells like a mixture of fireworks and rotten eggs with a hint of shame. it's so strong it's keeping me awake.
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
Randomize
