I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
Apparently I promised a worker at La Siesta free English lessons to make up for vomming all over the little Mariachi band.
Dipping doritos in Grey Poupon. Why does no one treat me like the lady I am?
I feel like having peed on eachother is a point in our lives we should never have gotten to...
Sometimes things go your way and sometimes you get hit on by a fat drunk girl.
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
Licking pop rocks off a stranger's washboard abs and kissing strangers young enough to be my kid. Yeah, it was THAT kind of party last night
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
FIND ME A DICK TO RIDE THAT HOPEFULLY IS ATTACHED TO A CUTE PERSON AND NICE PERSONALITY
CHALLENGE ACCEPTED. Is it okay if I only get 2 out of 3?
The D is nonnegotable.
The fact that he offered to stop once he stuck it in my ass was sadly the most considerate thing anybody's ever done for me.
They had to take me to the ER because I got a concussion in a parking garage. Not partying with lesbians for a while
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
This is a question I thought I'd never have to ask. How many hits of acid did you give your dad tonight?
One of these days I would like to go out drinking and stick to plan of just getting drunk and not be sidetracked with other people's plans of doing drugs along the way. I didn't even want to not feel my teeth tonight but here we go just another Thursday night when you live I live
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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