Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
Only a mothe r could love this liver
Over it. He probably jacked off to bible verses last night. I don't want that
$22.99 left in the bank til payday = 3($7 jack & coke) + 2($0.89 T-Bell taco) + $0.21 in case of emergency.
math is fun
You had me at "you have a nicer rack then her"
Don't byou dare ruin egg salad by putting your penis in it that would be so sad.
I don't care if shes your sisters age. Once someone is on my to do list theres only one way to get them off it
I really want to shower but i'm afraid i'll sober up. My mouth feels like a stripper pole too...
She bit a glowstick open. Apparently they burn. We bonded while she washed the chemicals out of her mouth as I did double shots of Jager.
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
Got dumped. Now accepting nominations for my extra Dave Mathews ticket. No xboyfriends. Must cast final votes by Monday. Good luck everyone
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
Fuck him and his perfect arms, huge penis and relentless ability to ignore me.
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
Randomize
