This morning is cloudy with a high chance of vomiting all over the dentist. Stay tuned for further updates.
Lame. Party is tapping out at 4am. Even chanting "USA" didn't rally them.
She called all of my friends to find out where I was last night. 7 out of ten said their place.
So there I was praying he didn't go limp again, choking on a long, long gray ball hair. This is my Saturday night. This. Is. My. Life.
whenever he tweets that he wants to get blackout it's like a neon sign for "i want to bang you tonight"
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
Using a joint as a bookmark. What is my life?
This ER has an aquarium in it!!!
I just want to be able to run around naked and eat grass with no judgments and have people feed me and expect me to sleep all the time.
When the nurse referred to my vag as "your downstairs", I knew I found the perfect Doctors office.
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
I need to start a penis folder so I stop "accidentally" showing people my junk. On a side note- St. Pattys penis was a hit, four leaf clover and all.
I just want you to know when I bang him in the back of my car later I'll have pony by ginuwine on repeat
Is a coke binge Whole30 approved?
Randomize
