You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
she's like bobby knight all she does is scream and point
I don't know what happened to get you in this mentality. This time last year your were ass up on a hotel bathroom counter getting licked by a stranger.
I love watching the kids I sold drugs to score touchdowns
Nope, just sitting on the couch, eating an advent calendar, being depressed about the herps.
Some guy just yelled at me from his car "CLIIIIIIIIIITT"... I feel like this has something to do with last night....
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
I think the moment I knew you were going to black out was when I told you how many shots you had already and you were shocked and then poured another one
I will keep you posted and someday if we daydrink teach you how to do a footjob
Found sauce from last night's pizza rolls wedged under my phone case... While sitting in my 8 am class. What happened last night?
the only things my left hand does: catch/hold things and masturbation.
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
Also what’s the official rule on washing one guy’s jizz off my back before I go out with another guy? That I should?
Drunk me says 72 hours of Mexican Viagra and room service.Sober me says we stopped being lovers for a reason after the last lost weekend.
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