I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
My astrological sign? Vagitarius.
recycled a plan b box. kill a baby. save a tree.
I'm not gonna lie. having my legs shaved for me in the morning was a lovely surprise.
I'm hoping that banging a 24 year old 3 times cancels out banging that freshman on Wednesday
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
I am expending an amazing amount of energy to not throw up right now
He picked up a chick with a line about the price of used cars in Sri Lanka and developing economies. Step it up.
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
you ever just feel like an organ is failing?
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
Word. I want it involving like... sing-a-longs and sniffing glue.
Randomize
