totally watching dr. phil and getting eaten out right now. be jealous.
Im 95% ready to shit behind 711
it took us a while to figure out sex on a tire swing, buuuuuuuut MISSION ACCOMPLISHED
He was respectful of both me and my One Direction calendar.
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
He used pronouns for his penis while sexting. I don't know what I did to deserve this.
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
Sometimes I refuse to go through a door until someone holds it open for me because I'm a fucking lady.
So I totally had sex In a teepee last night at that wedding reception.
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
He asked if I was alright. I said "Yeah, I'm just an incapacitated ball of orgasmic bliss right now."
color coded lube a great way to organize my bootie calls
Just to let you know we went to the circus yesterday...in case you didn't remember
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