genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
Either seal the deal or get out of the room, I don't want to hide in this closet anymore
Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about
I wanna get "leaving my dick in charge" drunk.
I'll always be here to give you immoral support.
I have no words
Neither did my mom, when she walked in on me squating with my balls in a cup of hot water.
I will fuck him senseless, no need for a priest.
I only have one eye to read your texts because I just stabbed one out after reading that last text.
We really gotta change brands again because 2-ply is making us feel like the celebrities we aren't.
But how do I turn off the feelings though?
Vodka.
It was big, black, and had a smiley face tattooed on it. It was the perfect penis.
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
But the real reason your aunt is drunk crying is because she has already had four margs and went for a 5th and someone is trying to stop her
Upstairs definitely just had sex while I wrote you love poetry. That was a fun experience 🤷🏻♀️
I have a number of responses, ranging in content, tone, and maturity. Choose your destiny...
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