she'd have to be at LEAST a cup size bigger for me to even consider putting up with her voice
i convinced her that her period would come back if we did it doggy style
I can't cum and do my makeup at the same time.
he tried breathing fire using moonshine and a roman candle. would not have believed it unless i actually witnessed it.
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
fuck it. from now on whatever room i wake up in, i'm stealing clothes from. this walk of shame shit is too much without pants
i want to live in a society where a 20 year old can wear pigtails and not get them called handlebars, because i look fucking adorable in them.
My body is telling me there was tequila. My pictures say it was Jeff's fault
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
Your life has no conflict it's just a blur of sex and Netflix
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
The part where he comes over and ignores you isn't what makes me mad about that story... It's the fact that he ate your tacos, AND THEN proceeded to ignore you. That's cold hearted.
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
just saw a girl run into an automatic sliding door, back up and try again
The school better be open next year. I’ve been FB stalking Dads of my incoming students and there’s serious DILFage in this class! Maybe 2020 will turn around!
It’s 2020. You’ll probably get knocked up. If you’re really lucky you’ll just get the clap
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