I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
just found his boxers balled up inside my tights, hidden in my freezer. damn i love college.
i was wearing footie pjs. how could there be confusion as to who i hooked up with, thats not something you forget
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
I woke up and he was starring at me and then said "do you believe in miracles"?
her vagina just converted me to Judaism.
I don't really want to have sex with him, I'd just want him in a threesome. Does that make sense?
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
I think the worst was the guy who sent me YouTube videos about how age doesn't matter, and then a link for natural breast enhancements. Kill me.
what's the least obnoxious place that i could barf on the bus?
It's the happiest looking penis I've ever seen. It should have a top hat and a spectacle on and soft shoe across the room with a cane. He's a cheery little feller.
I just remember yelling "BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS" while I was streaking
YOU CANT JUST BLOW GUYS BC THEY’RE NICE TO YOU LEXI
I CAN IF I WANT TO
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