yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
I was rubbing the clit just like wikipedia told me to.
This bar is like a mediocre whore house....but free
So we fuck and I say, "I'm about to go." He tells me, "No, leave at ten.. just lay here for a little while." When I ask, "Why?!" He gets his feelings hurt and says, "ugh. or don't." Since when did guys start acting like girls?
He was going down on me and raised up for a minute, slipped and punched me in the face. My lady boner left immediately.
I ended up naked in a pond with you-know-who and your saying your a good babysitter? Dick.
They set the pop up pool in the basement-running filter and all. Drunk swimming. Come now.
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
Okay now that I've been wanting to eat these hot cheetos in the bathroom, I know it's time I need to stop smoking and go to sleep.
You know how hard it is to play cool while not drowning and appreciating a pair of butts at the same time?
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
I think when Jesus turned water into wine it was a sign that we should get drunk off Sangria tonight. Do it for Jesus. He died for your sins.
I watched Morgan Freeman explain the existence of nothing, now I'm afraid of sub - atomic particles. these egg rolls are outstanding
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
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