Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
Who were the five players on the alien team from space jam?
its summer. and we all know college gfs do not count in summer.
college gfs dont count ever. theyre like getting corn rows in jamaica. you feel cool at the time. then you go home and people make fun of you.
me and my sister are feeding my dog poprocks. this is proof you don't need a lot of money to have fun.
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
Too lazy to get out of my bed thats 2 feet away from you. Are you sure youre alright?
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
Idk I was embarrassed that I hit it too hard so I played it off by spitting out bong water like a 'whales blowhole'
They are going to name an STD after you.
Have you ever got so drunk that you tasted the future?
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
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