Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
New beer pong partner names "Bus Boys" ... We clear tables
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
You know, last years football game was epic, but seeing the same girl that gave you a bj in the parking lot, in the same parking spot...that's fate.
It is too early in this hangover to be seeing some guys ass crack.
I mean really it's like when you're super hungry and you can't decide what to eat, you just know you want food. This is that situation, but for my vagina
I just sang country roads at the top of my lungs with my cab driver. Tonight was a success.
I went through his pics. Will you go with me to get tested?
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
Blowing lines in the bathroom and trying to get into the mindset of someone who wants to be at work for 12 hours
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
I just met him at a place called the meat farm, Jesus be a shield.
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