I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
They're donating plasma together for extra money. Couple of the fucking century.
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
He offered to drive me out of state to meet up with my fuck buddy. Like best brother in law ever.
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
Ps, did you know if you google "drunk jenga", you're the first image that shows up?
during charades she pointed to herself and you guessed 'girl who wants to fuck me'
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
My phone broke again .... im not really sure how im going 2 explain the teeth marks to the ppl at the Verizon store
Ya I don't think I'm going anywhere, a cum towel, beer, and Vicodin was just exchanged in our white elephant present game
I just got high off one hit and the. Spent 20 minutes inspecting the gasket of our refridgerator and researching ways to replace it
There should be a Doritos delivery van or something.
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
How did i spend $200 last night?
Every time you went to get me a drink, you also came back with shots. Then you fell down the steps.
Randomize
