go do what you do best...puke behind churches
I know, but I was really high and I felt like a failure dragon because I could only blow smoke, no fire.
Yeah, I think they knew. I smelled like that telltale combination of strippers and Easter.
guess who's bored in chemistry researching how to sneak weed through airport security in her vagina?
Can you explain to me how i got kicked out of a bar last night, from outside the bar?
I'm being responsible and going as a gay, slutty Mormon missionary. It's responsible because I'll have a bike helmet on for when I fall over because I'm too shitfaced to stand upright. It's safer than Count Fagula. I just need to come up with a line equal or greater than "Blaaaa I want to suck your dick"
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
Nothing like cleaning out your cleavage from lunch, finding cookie crumbs and eating them...
Just FYI, by the transitive property my breasts have now touched the Stanley Cup.
We can't stop being roommates, you do such a good job of holding my hair back when I puke. I don't wanna buy hair elastics.
We were mid fuck, and he did a Kermit the Frog impression. Is it weird that I was strangely turned on?
Roomies told me I showed up to my house alone with no pants on and burrs in my hair... I live in the middle of the city
He put his number in my phone as Steve handsome
we're tipping the strippers with chocolate coins.
Randomize
