His mom made me a necklace that i am supposed to wear to prom. She included a note with it, which had a star trek quote. What have I gotten myself into?
NEWSFLASH - my freind is drunk and admitted that he hates having sex with dogs. should i help him or let him be??
He also left me a wonderful voice mail..... and is now asking me where the planters peanut guy is.
You should probably go find him.
that would combine my 3 fave things. christmas funfetti and paul simon
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
He said he forgot to take his shoes off, and that he was a bad boy because he was walking on the carpet. Then he sang. Then he shouted "I'M STILL FORGETTING."
You just want to fuck a girl in a dinosaur costume, don't you?
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
We used to bone, but now she's my life coach.
Blacked out and Irish exited last night. At dinner. On a Sunday.
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
Randomize
